Are You Ready To Get Married?

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Today’s Reading: Isaiah 17-19; Ephesians 5:17-31

So a couple years ago when I picked up the Bible again I had just come out of a pretty up and down relationship. Going through that I thought that I had what it took to embark on the marriage path.

Until I read the passage above…

Do you get what he is saying here? Do you understand how serious this is?

The Meaning of Life: Part 2 Don't Get Caught by the Hustle

And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

Fools fold their hands
   and ruin themselves.
Better one handful with tranquility
   than two handfuls with toil
   and chasing after the wind. Eccl 4:4-6

Today’s Reading: Ecclesiastes 4-6; 2 Corinthians 12

If you look at media and popular culture there is at least one message that rings abundantly clear.

More is better!

Advertising has taught us that we won’t be happy unless we have more. We always need the next gadget, the big house, the fancy car. There is nothing wrong with nice things. As a matter of fact I happen to like nice things. I like them a lot. But having nice things isn’t the problem. The problem is when we assign personal value to obtaining these things.

Often times it is competitive. We look around at others and see their perceived wealth and think, man… why can’t I have that? And from these salty seeds the weeds of greed sprout, only to be watered all the more by the society that we live in. If only we can be richer than the Joneses then we will be BETTER than them too.

No one comes out and actually says this, but for most of us it is a latent motivation, deep within the parts of ourselves that we least like to face.

Ok don’t believe me? I’ll give you a perfect example. Marriage.

Oh no, I’m not talking about the obvious things like men wanting the most beautiful woman or women wanting the most successful man… I’m talking about the process of getting married.

That’s right… the engagement ring and the wedding.

The engagement is the proving ground of the man. De Beers and the rest of them folks have convinced us over the past several decades that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. They have convinced us that one must purchase a diamond ring as a display of their affection for their soon to be wife. Before it was always the ring that was the symbol right? The ring is the unending circle that signifies a commitment that will never be broken. But nowadays it is the diamond too. The bigger and clearer, the more he loves her. And everyone’s watching. The first mention of a woman being engaged is followed immediately by the question “oh so let’s see the ring…”

And if that ring ain’t up to “par” then it’s all bad. Too much pressure for a situation that should be so beautiful…

Then if you make it past the engagement hurdle, the wedding comes. Who are you going to invite? Where will it be? What dress will she wear? What food will the guests eat? We can’t sit uncle Rufus next to Aunt Maybell. We said we’d only invite 100 people but what about my second cousins on my momma’s side? They’ll be furious if they aren’t invited. Couples take out loans the size of down payments on would be homes so that they can please all of these other people and prove to them the largesse of their love.

And the coldest part of this hustle is that the whole purpose of this expression of love and commitment has vanished into an elaborate and expensive show and tell. There are countless couples who delay engagement because of their expectations for the kind of ring they should buy or how much the wedding will cost. Others assume crippling debt to keep up with the weddings that their friends and family had while still others, who try to do it within their means, get judged for the fiscal modesty of their displays of affection.

All of this for two special events that are supposed to be about love: the day a couple privately agree to commit themselves to each other for life, and the day that they share that commitment with their family and friends.

My point isn’t to expose the obvious hustle behind this whole industry. We all know what’s going on here. And my point is not to trash beautiful rings and weddings. I think it is wonderful when two people can share their love with each other and their loved ones in beautifully creative ways.

But at the end of the day it’s easy to lose focus. The focus should be on enjoying that present moment. It should be about planning every single day to share the best, most loving life together.

Don’t worry about what the next person is doing, or wearing, or driving. Just focus on the life that you live, the choices that you can make, and the joy that you can experience each and every day. Find work that fulfills your purpose, work that you enjoy, work that puts food in your family’s belly.

Everything else is nice and great but it’s not necessary. If you want it then by all means go for it!!! Enjoy the wonderful treasures that life has out there for us.

But do it for you. Do it because it is what YOU want, not because someone else is watching you or telling you how you should live your life.

Your life is yours. Seize the day! The present moment is all we are guaranteed. Never lose sight of that, and your days will be filled with joy. 

The Ideal Woman: Too Good to be True?

Today's Reading: Proverbs 30-31; 2 Corinthians 11:1-15

So if you’ve been following along with me since the beginning you have probably seen that this good book seems to have an answer for pretty much everything.

No wonder it’s been around for a couple thousand years or so.

And here is yet another example.

Fellas, if you have ever wanted to know what kind of woman you should go after here is the blueprint.

Ladies, if you have ever wondered what kind of woman attracts the kind of man that the Bible says the fellas should be… take a look.

She seems almost impossible; like a mix between our mythical idea of Michelle Obama and Clair Huxtable from the Cosby Show. I mean really, who can live up to that?

(Yes I am aware that there is literature on how the role of Clair has affected how men and women relate to each other in some negative ways... but I digress.)

The thing that I love about this passage is that it isn’t about being able to be this "perfect" person. This passage, just like many of the others, is about what we are shooting for. Who do we want to become? Which examples do we choose to follow?

So, take a look at this description of the ideal woman… what do y’all think?

Ladies… is this even relevant for today?

Fellas…. Is this the kind of woman that you want? If so… do you think she wants YOU?! *rhetorical question/food for thought/Let’s step our game up*

Enjoy

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
   all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
   and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
   bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
   her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
   and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
   and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
   she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
   where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
   and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
   she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
   and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Standing On Solid Ground

Many claim to have unfailing love,
   but a faithful person who can find? – Proverbs 20:6

Today’s Reading: Proverbs 19-21; 2 Corinthians 7

I was playing around on twitter the other day and sent this message out:

“Putting your trust in people is gambling with your heart. It's not a safe bet.”

One of my friends quickly challenged the comment. She said, “but sometimes it’s a gamble worth making.”

We then went back and forth for a while on the topic. I realized that the problem is that my original tweet wasn’t really all that clear. I tried to explain what I meant but 140 characters or less can be quite limiting at times.

Then I came across the scripture above…

In my personal experience, the greatest disappointments have come when I have put too much trust in other people.

No I’m not talking about constructing walls so high and thick that no one ever gets to know who you are. That’s silly and really unhealthy. We should do our best to share ourselves with those that we love.

But what I am talking about is allowing someone to occupy a place in your life that they shouldn’t.

Usually this happens in a dating situation. You meet someone. They seem to be all kinds of incredible in ways that you never could have imagined. You start dating and you get close. You start to think that this is someone that you can open up to and finally you do. You even get past that honeymoon period and start to see the crust of them, you know, those kinda nasty and wack aspects of who they really are. Having seen their imperfections and shortcomings you still love them. In fact you love them even more.

This is a wonderful place to be. I am a firm believer in love. I always think that it is worth the risk to open up to it with the right person. But often times we don’t really stop to think about what this means. What position does this person have in your life? How much power do you allow them to have? How much do you rely on them? Do you at some point lose sight of yourself because you are focusing so intently on them?

For me God is the focus of my life. Growing up I remember hearing my dad constantly talk about the ideal marriage being a man and woman coming together under God. God is the head, the leader that both people are following. The man is not following the woman, nor the woman following the man.

When we tell someone that we love them, most of us mean it. When we say that we will be with that person forever, we mean it when we say it. But people change. People disappoint us and fall short. And this isn’t because they are mean or that they never loved us, but rather it is because we are all imperfect. This imperfection is what cannot be relied upon. We cannot have another human being as the rock, the foundation of our lives; because no matter how great that person is they will not always be there.

Plus that’s too much pressure on them anyway. I mean really, do you want to be the foundation of another person’s life? That’s really not a good look at all when you think about it.

I believe that love is the most important thing we can do in our lives. It is the proving ground of faith in its purest human form. What greater leap of faith is there that we can take than to love someone and decide to share our lives with them?

But this love does not require us to use that other person as the rock that we build our lives upon. We must never lose sight of the fact that those that we chose to love are our partners along life’s journey. They are not the destination.

For me the only leader that I seek to follow in this life is God. With that fact I feel all the more free to open my heart to loving those in my life. Because no matter what happens, I know that the foundation that I am building my life upon is the most solid ground possible. 

My Confession of Faith

Today’s Reading: Psalms 126-128; 1 Corinthians 10:19-33

I read Psalm 128 today and realized that it clearly articulates a lot of what I want for my life. This has become my confession of faith… the scripture I can use to speak my ideal future into existence.

Words are powerful. One of the most important parts of the creation story to me is that God spoke the universe into existence. He said “let there be light”, and there it was. In the book of John, Jesus is described as being the Word of God made flesh.

Most of us throw around our words carelessly but this is dangerous. The more that we speak with negativity the more negativity we will invite into our lives. Similarly, the more positively we speak the more positivity we will speak into our lives.

What do you want for your life? Who do you want to be? The first step toward being whom and where you want to be is to say it.

Choose your words wisely.

Psalm 128

1 Blessed are all who fear the LORD,
   who walk in obedience to him.
2 You will eat the fruit of your labor;
   blessings and prosperity will be yours.
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
   within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
   around your table.
4 Yes, this will be the blessing
   for the man who fears the LORD.

5 May the LORD bless you from Zion;
   may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem
   all the days of your life.
6 May you live to see your children’s children—
   peace be on Israel.

Get Out of Jail Free?

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. 1 Corinthians 7:12-14

Today’s Reading: Psalms 116-118; 1 Corinthians 7:1-19

This is funny to me.

At first glance it might seem like a strange and archaic thing to say. It might even sound very closed minded. But it is very specific and for that matter specifically hilarious.

I never understood this passage till my Dad taught on it one day. He was talking about the Christian family and what marriage means from that perspective. Then he came to this passage and was like… “so all of y’all who are now Christians and have been taught that it is bad to be unequally yoked (a Christian being married to a non-Christian) that doesn’t mean that you have a license to leave your spouse! This ain’t no get out of jail free card.”

When he said that I realized what Paul was doing here. Paul is addressing questions from the church at Corinth and clearly someone asked this question. I imagine it went something like this.

Unhappily Married woman: So now that I’m a Christian do you think I can leave my good for nothing husband? After all I’m not supposed to be married to someone who ain’t Christian right?

Local Pastor: Umm… I don’t know about that.

Unhappily Married Woman: What you mean you don’t know? The rule is I’m supposed to be married to a Christian. Free at last! Thank God almighty I am free at last!

Local Pastor: Umm… that don’t sound right… let’s ask Paul about this.

The idea that we should marry someone with our values makes sense. Our values are what lead us and guide all of our decisions. How can we march in the same direction as a person whose values are taking them in a different direction?

In that case you can’t help but to be pulled off of your own path.

But what’s interesting here is that Paul reaffirms the importance of the wedding vows. Marriage is a promise that is not meant to be broken. People change. The person that you married will not be the same ten years later. And neither will you. Marriage is about compromise; but, it is about growing together, allowing the other the freedom to become fully themselves as individuals so that they can in turn contribute to a stronger union.

Or so I hear…

But it’s funny to me that someone actually posed this question. It’s actually a good question when you think about it. If one’s core values radically change in a marriage it could cause serious problems.

That’s why it is good to search within ourselves to understand the foundation of what makes us who we are before we make that kind of commitment. Once we become settled in the fundamentals of our identity we are finally capable of understanding what we truly need, the kind of person that will fulfill us for a lifetime.

So be careful jumping into serious bonds with folks before you are ready; because even if you do get a divorce later on, odds are the life you lived together will stay with you until the end of your days.

Search within and try to understand the core of your beliefs. Do the work necessary to understand where you are coming from and the trajectory of the path for where you are going.

If you are reading this as an unmarried person then WHEW! Gotcha in time.

If not… I hope you’re happy and good luck!!!

Let's Talk About Sex

embrace by Egon Schiele

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh. "But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. – 1 Corinthians 6:12-17

Today’s Reading: Psalms 113-115; 1 Corinthians 6

Ok I’m gonna come right out and say it…

I don’t think sex outside marriage is a "sin".

I know that 99% of my Christian brothers and sisters will disagree with me here and to be honest I’m ok with that. Maybe I will receive a new understanding in the future and change sides on this one. I have two issues with it. 

First, what is “sexual immorality” anyway? I haven’t seen it explicitly defined as sex outside of marriage. In the last chapter it was used when discussing a man sleeping with his father’s wife. Now THAT is pretty darn immoral. I get that. But someone please help me with a scripture explicitly saying that sexual immorality (fornication) is sex outside of marriage. I will also accept an argument that seems to break that down by saying what can and cannot be done. Provide scriptures please.

Secondly, every time I have heard a sermon on the topic they reference these verses…

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6: 18-20

Okaaaaaaaaaaaay… I can dig that. 

But they never include these verses…

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. – 1 Corinthians 6:12

It’s from the same section of the same chapter! Context matters.

I have spent years thinking about this for obvious reasons. It’s not like I’m a virgin or anything. And call me a sinner if you want but good gracious, sex being a sin has never made sense to me.

But then I read the next few verses and I see the point that Paul is making here:

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." – 1 Corinthians 6:16

The point here is that there is something more going on with sex than the physical. When we have sex with someone we are connecting on a deeper level than we realize. That person becomes a part of us and we become a part of them. You know each other in a way that cannot be articulated.

I don’t know if you have experienced this but let me test it out for you. Do you remember the last time you saw someone that you had sex with in the past but have not seen in a while? There is a familiarity there that is more intimate than what you feel when you see a long lost friend. In a deeper sense you know each other.

There is a soul tie.

You’ve shared a bond, whether it was for several years or just one night. The duration of the relationship may affect the intensity but it doesn’t change the fact that a connection is there. During sex we are at our most vulnerable. We open ourselves up to the other person in a way that doesn’t happen in any other kind of human interaction.

This is why Paul’s general point makes sense to me. Whether or not it is permissible is not really the point. The question is whether or not it is beneficial. If we have a lasting connection with everyone that we have ever had sex with, then how does this affect our future relationships? Are we bringing this baggage into our marriages?

Paul would say yes. And I’d have to agree… reluctantly.

I think this is something compelling to think about. Of course I believe in Grace and that these connections can be overcome but geez… we can’t front on these things being complicated. So I guess the fewer the connections the better.

And this gets us back to the original point… sex outside of marriage.

I do believe that not having sex outside of marriage is ideal in a profound way. But I also think it is permissible. However, like with everything we do, there are costs and benefits.

The question is, is it worth it?

That is not for me to tell you. But I think the argument for no sex before marriage very compelling. I’m not gonna sit here and promise you that I won’t do it. I’m no fool. But I do think it is an interesting discussion to have.

What do you think? Agreements, disagreements and comments are welcome as always. 




UPDATE:


This is what Jesus had to say about divorce... this is the best I've found on sex outside of marriage being no bueno.. but it refers to the bond of marriage... What about the time between leaving your folks and getting married? If you believe that divorce is not a sin, outside of it being caused by adultery, then how is premarital sex sin? Perhaps the change in our society of folks getting married later and living outside the home before marriage changes the game? Then again maybe not. Interesting stuff tho. 


Mark 10: 1-12

More Fun with the Laws

Ok… I’m reading entirely too many hilarious and thought provoking laws so… it’s time for another installment of legal commentary by Clarence Mitchell Bible Attorney at Law.

Enjoy.

“When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you…” – Deuteronomy 20:1

This is fresh. So at the beginning of my copy of the Art of War by Sun Tzu I will write “bring my faith in God to battle with me”. I like this.

“However, in the cities of the nations the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them… Otherwise, they will teach you to follow all the detestable things they do in worshiping their gods, and you will sin against the LORD your God. – Deuteronomy 20: 16-18

Good gracious!!! Games are NOT being played not one bit.

Ok Here’s how we can flip it. There are many adversaries on the path of purpose; fear, doubt, insecurity… they must be eradicated when they surface otherwise they will cause us to stumble and fall.

“When you lay siege to a city for a long time, fighting against it to capture it, do not destroy its trees by putting an ax to them, because you can eat their fruit. Do not cut them down. Are the trees of the field people, that you should besiege them?” Deuteronomy 20: 19

Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. You know those people who “find God” or, all of the sudden, are super passionate about some dream or goal and totally cut all of the old people out of their lives?

That’s no bueno. We have all arrived at the present for good and bad reasons. Leave the bad but keep the good.

“When you go to war against your enemies and the LORD your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured. After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife. If you are not pleased with her, let her go wherever she wishes. You must not sell her or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her. – Deuteronomy 21: 10-14

You KNOW homie is not feelin her after all of that. You’ve killed all the men in her life, taken her from her home and removed all the stuff that made her fly…

I’m sure her sparkling personality won’t shine through in a month’s time… but aside from this here’s my take:

When it comes to marrying anything in your life, person or purpose, strip away the decoration and look at what’s inside. Crap wrapped up in a pretty box with a pretty bow is still crap. It’s like fast food. It may taste good going down, but once it gets inside it will poison you.

And don’t blame anyone else for your mistake. You are responsible. Take your lumps as they may come.

“They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard." Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.” Deuteronomy 21: 20-21

And y’all feel bad for that bad kid who got spanked in the grocery store. Little man got off easy.

“A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.” – Deuteronomy 22: 5

Hilarious! Isn’t “detest” just entirely too strong a word here? God must be FURIOUS during Halloween. But how does the Good Book go from that verse straight into this next one?

If you come across a bird's nest beside the road, either in a tree or on the ground, and the mother is sitting on the young or on the eggs, do not take the mother with the young. You may take the young, but be sure to let the mother go, so that it may go well with you and you may have a long life. – Deuteronomy 21: 6-7

This is profound. If you take the mother then the whole family dies. If you just take the eggs the mother can lay more eggs. This is a metaphor for life. Living things must perish for us to live. We need to take the time to respect and honor that sacrifice and be smart about it.

If we continue to recklessly destroy the world to satisfy our every whim we will be left with a world not fit for life. There will be no air to breathe or food to eat. The world will be here for a good long while. But will we be here to enjoy it? It is up to us to determine our fate.

Today’s Reading: Deuteronomy 20-22: Mark 13: 21-37