21 Days of Listening Day 20: Forgiveness and Friendship

During these past 21 days of listening one of my longtime friends has been on my spirit. For years we have talked and debated about everything.

Oh how I love to debate!

Recently we have been having conversations about the Bible. He has gotten back into the Word and is super excited about what he has read so far. It is amazing to see how God is working in his life.

Unfortunately some folks we recently met shared some ideas that weren’t exactly in line with the scripture. These ideas made him question whether or not he should still be obeying the laws of Moses. When he brought up one of the issues while hanging out with our friends I responded to him by asking some tough questions. I asked him why he felt he should obey them. Why did it matter? The conversation didn’t go bad per se, but it definitely didn’t go as well as it could have.

The next day he sent me a text and asked if we could talk about the Word because he wanted to get some things straight about Jesus. Excited, I replied “sure!”

Then the Holy Spirit showed up again. He allowed me to feel the grief that He was feeling. When I searched for understanding as to why I was feeling this way the Holy Spirit replayed the conversation from the day before and showed me my error.

I had not responded with the love of Jesus.

Fortunately, I’d have another chance to make it right.

We talked after work and I apologized to him. I said that I should have been much more loving and not so confrontational about what he was trying to share. He forgave me! And then he also apologized for the years where I gently suggested that he read the scripture for himself or shared something I had learned but he was resistant to hearing it.

It was a wonderful call full of healing, ministry, and growth. I’m looking forward to sharing more with him in the future.

Today was a great day.

I Just Put My Foot in my Mouth...

Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous,
   no one who does what is right and never sins.

Do not pay attention to every word people say,
   or you may hear your servant cursing you—
for you know in your heart
   that many times you yourself have cursed others. Ecclesiastes 7:20-22

Today’s Reading: Ecclesiastes 7-9: 2 Corinthians 13

Damn,

So you know those times where you do something that you say you try not to do without really being conscious of it and it comes back to kick you in the face?

Welcome to my day today.

So I got an email from a friend the other day saying that she is looking for roommates for this new place that she will be moving into pretty soon. When I first read the email it made me think of another friend who is looking for a place. As I ran down the list of amenities I was like oh this looks good. It’s in a cool area, the house looks nice from the pictures and it’s even pet friendly!

Check, Check, Check.

Looks like it might be a good fit.

So I forwarded the email to the friend who is looking for a new place. The email went like this:

“Not sure if you're really trying to have roommates but a Christian homegirl of mine is looking for some. I'll give you the low down on her if you are interested. We went to high school and Jr. High together... cool and sweet though on the judgmental Christian side... I don't know her super well. Let me know if you want to talk more.”

Not my finest hour…

It was alright until we got to the “judgmental Christian side” part. All bad… So here I am in an email judging someone I’ve known for years by saying that she’s judgmental!

That’s some irony for you… (a note to my literary friends… I don’t feel like looking up the definition of irony… if I am wrong feel free to educate me in the comments section below. Either way you get my point. Thanks.)

So the judged friend of mine called me and asked me about it. I’m actually really happy that she did because I know a whole lot of other people who would have just let it fester or just written me off as some kind of self-righteous hypocrite. But by calling me on it she gave me a chance to apologize.

I was so surprised by the call that I started off like “hummina hummina remember that one time when you had said x y and z well actually I don’t remember the exact time but you know what I mean blah blah blah.”

Such a dummy I was. How am I gonna try to blame her for my screw up?

Graciously she let me make a fool of myself until I just stopped and said you know what… I’m sorry. I judged you in saying that you were judgmental and that was wrong.

She thanked me for my apology and allowed me to clarify what I meant. We talked a bit more about it before ending the call decently well considering the circumstances.

I did learn a few things today. First of all, I’ve got more in common with the super judgmental folk than I think. This was a serious self check moment. I gotta work on that. Second, God has a funny way of teaching me things. I mean seriously… judging someone by calling them judgmental and getting confronted about it? That’s pretty ridiculous. Third… if you’re gonna be judgmental then don’t do it over email!!! (ok this isn’t really a good spiritual lesson but seriously… how moronic was I?)

As always… I’ve got a ways to go. For every one step back I gotta take two steps forward.

Smh… (shaking my head)

To my judged friend: If you are reading this then I hope that you will accept my apology and forgive me. Hopefully we can get past this and be cool in the future. I’m sorry!

Iconoclasts

Do not wear yourself out to get rich;
   do not trust your own cleverness. 

Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone,
   for they will surely sprout wings
   and fly off to the sky like an eagle. Proverbs 23:4-5

Today’s Reading: Proverbs 22-24; 2 Corinthians 8

Several weeks ago I was at a party with some friends and one of them asked me if I had ever seen the show “Iconoclast” before. After being floored by the fact that I had not they went on to tell me about the concept of the show. The show features two very successful people from different disciplines and brings them together to have a conversation. It is a sort of a casual, mutual interview.

This sounded interesting. I’ve always found value in listening to highly successful people talk to teach other. They tend to share secrets to their mastery of success that an average Joe journalist could never tease out of them.

It’s one of those “it takes one to know one” kind of situations.

The episode of Iconoclast that my friend suggested that I watch was the one about Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Sir Richard Branson. Desmond Tutu is a famous activist and cleric who was a vocal opponent of Apartheid and a champion of peace and love around the globe. Richard Branson is the man behind Virgin Records and Virgin Airlines. He started as a guy who wanted to put out records from bands that he liked and became a billionaire entrepreneur who now wants to help regular folks become astronauts.

The fascinating thing about the episode is that it showed they have a genuine and long lasting friendship. Branson teased Desmond about things related to his priestly duties and not being able to swim. Tutu teased Branson about being filthy rich and his spirituality. They did this while laughing and splashing about in a pool on Branson’s private island.

The thing that touched me the most was when Desmond Tutu asked Branson what advice he would give to a young person who wants to be rich. Branson said that he would tell the kid not to have to goal of amassing great wealth, but rather to do something meaningful.

This struck me as being so incredibly true.

When we pursue what is meaningful to us then we receive more than just the material gain that may result form our endeavors. We also receive the fulfillment that comes from living out the purpose for our lives.

But when we pursue money we are chasing after something that does not have any life. And often times what occurs in this pursuit is that we leave our true lives behind to get this thing that we so desperately thought we wanted.

There is nothing wrong with money. Money is a great tool that can give us the material freedom do fully live our lives. But when we have our eyes fixed on it, things get out of balance.

This is a lesson that I am learning right now. Just like many of you a few extra dollars could do a brotha a world of good. But it is nice to be reminded that the most important thing is to go after what means most to us in this world.

Follow the path of your purpose with faith and courage and I’m sure that you’ll pick up enough coins along the way to meet all of your needs and wants.  

Superfriends

My Eyes will be on the faithful in the land, that they may dwell with me; he whose walk is blameless will minister to me. Psalm 101: 6

Today’s Reading: Psalms 100-102; 1 Corinthians 1

We have all heard that old saying that you are the company you keep.

So cliché.

But we also know that the most cliché sayings have become that way for a reason. It’s because they are real as steel.

I was talking with the homie Dez on GChat the other day. Or rather I was working and he hit me up randomly with a link. The link was to this young cat Phillip T. Annand who is doing some real interesting things. Dude has a dope blog, a clothing line, and all kinds of other content all while he is going to college. The freshest thing about what he and his friends are doing is that they seem to be making money doing what they enjoy. They are living life on their own terms.

Not mad at dude… not mad at all. That is really what this blog is all about.

But what struck me most is that I have friends who seek to inspire me and want what is best for me. Sometimes that may mean telling me something that I don’t want to hear. Other times that means inspiring me by sharing stories of other folks who are doing what I aspire to do.

A couple years ago I took inventory of the folks I had in my life and looked to see who the positive influences were? Who was adding to my life? Who was sucking me dry?

I determined that there are three kinds of people in this respect. The first are the folks who use you until you’re all used up. And when you have been sucked dry they just move on; upset that you didn’t have more to give. I call them spiritual vampires.

The next are the folks who seem to give give give without allowing you to give in return. This may seem good on the surface but it is totally out of balance. Relationships are about giving and receiving and often times those who refuse to receive hold their “good” deeds over your head. In a sense it is taking through giving. They take your energy through guilt and obligation. It is sad and unhealthy.

The next are the kind of folk that I strive to surround myself with. They are the folks who give without expectation. They show love the best ways they can but are also open to receiving love back. With these kinds of people there is a healthy flow and exchange, not based on obligation, but based on mutual love and respect.

I strive to be the third kind of person to those around me. I’m not perfect. I’ve been my fair share of the first two at times in my life just like the rest of us. But when we have folks in our lives who genuinely love and care about us, it is much easier for us to achieve a healthy balance. And from that balance we are able to grow much faster, with exceptional richness of love and purpose for our lives.

Think about who those folks are for you. What kind of people have you surrounded yourself with? Are they takers leaving you spiritually exhausted? Are they “givers” leaving you burdened with insurmountable guilt? Or are they balanced folks that love you and love to receive love from you?

I hope that you discover, much like I did, that there are people around you that have done more to help you grow into the person that you are than you might be aware of.

Thank them and remember to give love to them. And don’t forget to receive that same love back with humility and grace.

Appreciate The Love

"You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
       I will question you,
       and you shall answer me.'

 My ears had heard of you
       but now my eyes have seen you.

 Therefore I despise myself
       and repent in dust and ashes." – Job 42: 4-6

Today’s Reading: Job 41-42; Acts: 16:22-40

It’s funny how it often takes the lowest of lows to appreciate the wonderful things in our lives that have been there all the time.

Right under our noses…

I realized this last year when I broke my ankle. I have always been a very active person. I grew up playing basketball and as an adult have made the transition to Capoeira. I cannot remember an extended period of time where I did not do some kind of exercise.  

I was really frustrated by it. I was in a cast and literally could not care for myself. Sure I could crutch myself to the bus stop to get to work but that was about it. I couldn’t buy my own groceries. I couldn’t drive. I was dependent on others.

I hate that.

It was in this moment of need that I discovered the love that surrounded me. I had no idea how many loving people I had in my life. Their acts of loving service made my life much easier. Looking back on it I felt bad. I felt bad for not recognizing the love that these special people have for me. Since then I have worked hard to try to express my love for them in return.

Y’all know who you are. I love you!

Unfortunately I go through this same thing with God. It seems like I get real close to God when times get tough. And when I emerge from the tough season with 20/20 hind sight I am able to see that God was always there. He was there in the good times and in the bad. It was just that in the bad times I wasn’t checking for him.

Sometimes it takes going through the valleys of life to be able to actually see what God can do. Like Job said, before he had heard of God but now he sees Him.

I can relate.

That next step is to get to a place where I continue to see him when times are good. I imagine that if I can keep that humble focus during the highs, my lows won’t go as low or last as long.

And if they do, I’ll have that much more faith to sustain me through them.

A work in progress I am… just like you.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches. - Acts 15: 37-41

Today’s Reading: Job 36-37; Acts 15: 22-41

Friendship is a tricky thing.

When we choose to make strong bonds with people it can be so amazing. Often times these people are drawn to us based on common interests or a common purpose. Sometimes we meet them on a common path. Some of my best friends I met in college. I cannot imagine what my life would be like had I chosen to go to a different school. Some friendships are that powerful.

That is why it is so hurtful when these friendships splinter. We feel betrayed and hurt. We feel misled. We wonder why in the world we opened up to these people. After all they aren’t family anyway. There’s no reason to get so close right? It’s just a whole lot of heartache and pain in the end. It can’t be worth it.

Wrong.

Some relationships are only meant for a season, some for years and others for a lifetime. Most are only meant for a couple days or a week. We all have our own paths to walk. We cannot expect that the people who enter our lives along our path are destined to remain there forever.

And why would we want that? Sure it might seem comforting for a great friend to go along with our dreams and purpose. But truly loving someone means that we have to set them free. We have to encourage them to follow their dreams, to walk their own path to their purpose.

Sometimes that freedom leads them to be close to you. Sometimes that freedom takes them far away. In the case of Paul and Barnabas their disagreement over Mark sent them on different journeys. They were still doing the same great work but could not do it together in that season. Both had to do what they thought was right and as a result, more folks heard their message.

Don’t be afraid to set your friends free. That’s what love is. Even if that freedom leads them away from you, the love that you share means that you will always remain in each other’s hearts.

After all, home is where the heart is anyways. If we have the courage to love our friends enough to set them free, then it is possible that they will be friends for life.  

Form Like Voltron

Then the Spirit came upon Amasai, chief of the Thirty, and he said:
"We are yours, O David!
We are with you, O son of Jesse!
Success, success to you,
and success to those who help you,
for your God will help you."
So David received them and made them leaders of his raiding bands. – 1 Chronicles 12: 18

Today’s Reading: 1 Chronicles 10-12 John 6:45-71

I like how Chronicles goes back and gives a different perspective on the history of Israel. Here it is talking about how David got his fighting army.

What I like about this story is how the folks who joined him knew that he was a man of purpose… they wanted to be on the right team. They made that decision even though it meant that they had to leave the comfort and protection of Saul.

But that’s what happens when we follow our purpose. Other people take notice and want to be on your team. This is one way that God answers prayers for us. Many times the people that are attracted to our path are drawn in because they have a similar purpose. And by teaming up we are all able to help each other walk our paths.

Often times we look at people who are walking a similar path as competition. But that is not the case. There is more than enough for all of us if we remember that it isn’t about “us” anyway.

So don’t be afraid when folks want to be down with your team as you walk your path. Check them out, make sure they have the same values and foundation, and move forward as a team.

We can do more together than we can by ourselves.

Friendship

While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life. And Saul's son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. "Don't be afraid," he said. "My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this." The two of them made a covenant before the LORD. Then Jonathan went home, but David remained at Horesh.

Kofi is a great friend of mine. We met when we were visiting our respective colleges as high school seniors.

He has become one of the best men I know.

It’s funny because when we first met we talked about how neither of us were going to end up at the schools we were visiting. He was visiting Claremont McKenna and I was visiting Pomona College. We were both accepted at USC and were certain that we’d end up there. We even talked about the idea of rooming together at USC when we got there.

But God had different plans for us…

There were four other great people that I met on that trip and we all became great friends. We all decided to go to these small liberal arts schools because deep down we sensed that we had a magical connection. This became clear very early on in our freshman year but in 2008 I started to see the bigger plan of my friendship with Kofi start to unfold.

This was the year that I decided to read the Bible again and Kofi is the friend that I read it with. Our friendship grew exponentially. We were able to share our questions, feelings, experiences, and our insights. When I felt like quitting he built me up. When he felt like quitting I built him up.

It has always been hard for me to open up to people. Trust has never been something that has come easily…

But through that year Kofi really taught me what it means to be a friend. Friends are people who will build you up when you are down, bring you back to reality when you are full of foolish pride, are sounding boards for your problems and teach you how to listen when you care for their issues.

Friends love you enough to help you up when you fall, forgive you when you are flawed, encourage you to follow your dreams, ask the tough questions others are scared to ask, and love you like family.

It was through this experience of reading the Bible with him that I am able to better understand the friendship between Jonathan and David. Having someone that you that believe in and love for who they are and knowing that they accept you in the same way is powerful beyond measure.

We can be strong on our own, but how much stronger do we become with great people in our lives?

So I am taking this moment to recognize not only a great man but also a great friend. And you should too, because without him this blog would not exist.

Kof I salute you.

Today’s Reading: 1 Samuel 22-24; Luke 12: 1-31