21 Days of Listening Day 14: Reconciliation

This Week's Reading: Matthew Ch 5-7

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. - Matthew 5:23-24


Yesterday I talked about forgiveness. This is the other side of that tough coin of love: Reconciliation. 

Another thing that has plagued my quiet time in the past is knowing that someone has an issue with me. This is the kind of thing that can tear you up inside, especially if it is someone that you really care a lot about. 

If you are stubborn like me, then I'm sure you have experienced this. 

Have you ever had a falling out with someone, but for whatever reason you didn't want to resolve the issue? Usually both people are somewhat to blame. After all it does take two to tango. But when I was in those situation where I felt that the blame was less than 50% mine I would hold my ground and wait for the other person to apologize before I would even consider trying to reconcile. 

This ended up being another form of bondage. 

Instead of hearing from the Holy Spirit about the things I was praying on (my life's purpose, open doors for new opportunities and the like) the Holy Spirit constantly put these people on my mind. It wasn't until I rediscovered the verse above while I was stubbornly planted in unforgiveness that I finally understood it. 

Some relationships cannot be reconciled. It takes two to faithfully do that. But what we can do is apologize for our part of the fault between us. This way we have done our part to make the relationship whole. If the person doesn't respond in kind that is ok. That's between them and God. Either way it is worth it. At the very least you will do good by extending them an olive branch of love. At most you will regain a friend or loved one. 

So while we cannot fix every broken relationship on our own, we can say "I'm sorry". 

Those two words go a long way. 


Food for Thought: Is there anyone that you need to apologize to? Why haven't you done it already? Does it make sense to initiate an apology with this person?

I Just Put My Foot in my Mouth...

Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous,
   no one who does what is right and never sins.

Do not pay attention to every word people say,
   or you may hear your servant cursing you—
for you know in your heart
   that many times you yourself have cursed others. Ecclesiastes 7:20-22

Today’s Reading: Ecclesiastes 7-9: 2 Corinthians 13

Damn,

So you know those times where you do something that you say you try not to do without really being conscious of it and it comes back to kick you in the face?

Welcome to my day today.

So I got an email from a friend the other day saying that she is looking for roommates for this new place that she will be moving into pretty soon. When I first read the email it made me think of another friend who is looking for a place. As I ran down the list of amenities I was like oh this looks good. It’s in a cool area, the house looks nice from the pictures and it’s even pet friendly!

Check, Check, Check.

Looks like it might be a good fit.

So I forwarded the email to the friend who is looking for a new place. The email went like this:

“Not sure if you're really trying to have roommates but a Christian homegirl of mine is looking for some. I'll give you the low down on her if you are interested. We went to high school and Jr. High together... cool and sweet though on the judgmental Christian side... I don't know her super well. Let me know if you want to talk more.”

Not my finest hour…

It was alright until we got to the “judgmental Christian side” part. All bad… So here I am in an email judging someone I’ve known for years by saying that she’s judgmental!

That’s some irony for you… (a note to my literary friends… I don’t feel like looking up the definition of irony… if I am wrong feel free to educate me in the comments section below. Either way you get my point. Thanks.)

So the judged friend of mine called me and asked me about it. I’m actually really happy that she did because I know a whole lot of other people who would have just let it fester or just written me off as some kind of self-righteous hypocrite. But by calling me on it she gave me a chance to apologize.

I was so surprised by the call that I started off like “hummina hummina remember that one time when you had said x y and z well actually I don’t remember the exact time but you know what I mean blah blah blah.”

Such a dummy I was. How am I gonna try to blame her for my screw up?

Graciously she let me make a fool of myself until I just stopped and said you know what… I’m sorry. I judged you in saying that you were judgmental and that was wrong.

She thanked me for my apology and allowed me to clarify what I meant. We talked a bit more about it before ending the call decently well considering the circumstances.

I did learn a few things today. First of all, I’ve got more in common with the super judgmental folk than I think. This was a serious self check moment. I gotta work on that. Second, God has a funny way of teaching me things. I mean seriously… judging someone by calling them judgmental and getting confronted about it? That’s pretty ridiculous. Third… if you’re gonna be judgmental then don’t do it over email!!! (ok this isn’t really a good spiritual lesson but seriously… how moronic was I?)

As always… I’ve got a ways to go. For every one step back I gotta take two steps forward.

Smh… (shaking my head)

To my judged friend: If you are reading this then I hope that you will accept my apology and forgive me. Hopefully we can get past this and be cool in the future. I’m sorry!

The Company We Keep

It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and such sexual immorality as is not even named among the Gentiles—that a man has his father’s wife!  And you are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he who has done this deed might be taken away from among you. 1 Corinthians 5: 1-2

Today’s Reading: Psalms 110-112; 1 Corinthians 5

Ummm… did you read the passage above?

Ewwwwwwww

Let’s look at this a minute. A man has his father’s wife. There are a few things that stick out here for me. The first is “father’s wife”. Dude is not sleeping with his mother (wipes sweat off brow), but he’s messing with his stepmother! Yuck. Still gross but only mildly less gross since it is not in the same blood line.

The second thing is “has”. This indicates that this is no one time affair. Not only is dude booed up with his step mother but he’s been bringing her to church like it’s all good and the other members haven’t done anything about it.

And this is where it gets interesting.

We have seen prominent church folks in the news lately who have been accused of doing some pretty sad stuff. Bishop Eddie Long is the most recent example. According to Paul here we gotta throw them out! And you know what… I feel him.

Now of course this doesn’t mean you get thrown out forever. We are supposed to be a forgiving people.  When someone truly repents and displays reconciliatory actions that demonstrate a desire to heal old wounds then we should allow that process to take place over time. But yo man… if you’re running any kind of organization based on some moral values and you’ve got folks in there trampling all up on said values then they got to go.

I think this is why folks have such a hard time with Christians. We tend to be the first to tell other people what they should believe, how they should act, that they are condemned to eternal damnation. Then it seems like every time you look up, the folk screaming loudest in condemnation of others are the ones doing the wildest things. The preachers hollering the most violent anti-gay and lesbian vitriol is the dude hiring male prostitutes. The dude preaching abstinence to the young college aged kids in his congregation is the one accused of trying to have sex with them (and it was young boys… double whammy).

Even as a Christian myself I have been discouraged by these things in the past. Why can’t folk just act decent? Why do the folks screaming the loudest have to be the ones who act the worst? Why don’t they just shut up already?

If you make a mistake and try to right that then cool, I can dig that. But if you decide to live in such a way that not only habitually hurts yourself and others but also affects the faith of those around you…

You got to go.

We gotta be careful about what we allow into our house. In the same way that you would think twice about allowing a thief in your home, even if they were your child, we gotta really think carefully about who we have in our spiritual homes.

Whether we like it or not we are all role models. Regardless of your faith or lack of faith others look to you to be an example of what you say that you believe. Those same silent observers will use their observations to color their perspectives of other people who claim to think like you do or believe in what you believe in.

So if you’re gonna act wild and flaunt it for the world to see… keep that to yourself. Don’t bring it around me. I still love you and wish you the best. But on the real… kinda hard to break bread with you homie if you’re gonna bring your dad’s wife to the dinner table with you.

You are the company you keep. Never forget that.

What's Taking The Catholic Church So Long?

So I just read this article about the Pope begging forgiveness for the child abuse problems with the priests in the Catholic Church.

As I read his statements and those of the organizations that advocate for the victims I couldn’t stop thinking one thing…

What’s taking so long?

Like seriously… what’s taking so long here? Why has the Pope not come with a clear resolution and plan of action? Maybe there is so much more under the surface that it would be too damaging for the church to reveal it. Maybe the Pope has some personal involvement here…

Who knows?

But what I find interesting here is that the Pope is asking for forgiveness when he really wants reconciliation.

Here’s what I mean.

Let’s say someone does you wrong and they ask for your forgiveness. Sure, you can forgive them; but, would you ever put your trust in them again?

Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. But it takes time to build trust, and that building of trust is reconciliation. It only occurs when you follow up your request for forgiveness with sustained and consistent action to demonstrate that the victim of your treatment can have faith in you again.

And that’s what these victims need. They need to see results. They need to see that the church has taken concrete actions to expose those who committed these crimes. They need to see that there are measures in place to prevent this from happening again and to deal with the offenders who do this in the future.

Every rational person knows that no single person or entity is perfect. The Catholic Church cannot reasonably promise that their priests will not do anything bad in the future.

And no one is asking for such a promise.

But good gracious… let’s get some transparency here! As people of faith, the folks in the Catholic Church should do what Jesus said.

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny. Matthew 5: 23-26

They seem to have done neither. If they go and reconcile with the victims by demonstrating their remorse through meaningful action then this will eventually go away.

Otherwise, the victims will continue to drag them to the courts of law and public opinion…

These courts are not friendly to anyone.

Forgiveness is Haaaard.

Yep... with four "A's".

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." – Matthew 18: 21-22

Ummm… what?

And I’m not even remarking about the number seventy-seven. Once is hard!

Forgiveness is hard man… so very hard. I’m sure you can identify with this too but when someone hurts me I can be quick to be like…

Game over. Cut ‘em off.

One such situation happened to me not too long ago. A friend did something that was totally unexpected and seemed to be an action that was in clear disregard to my feelings and our friendship.

I was hurt.

My initial reaction was to be like. OK. It’s a wrap. It was nice being friends. Keep it pushin’.

But then I had a conversation with another person about it and they brought up a good point. If we go around cutting folk off when they do something that hurts us then we end up alone.

That’s one of the truest things I had heard in a long time.

We are not perfect. No one is. Loving people and having them around us means that we are allowing that imperfection to be close to our hearts.

There will come a time in every single meaningful relationship in our lives where we get hurt.

And we have to forgive them.

Have to? Why have to? That seems like a really rigid rule right? I mean I don’t have to do anything. I can just cut this person and move on with my life right?

Well… I guess… but the thing that sucks about that is that when we don’t forgive the person we are really holding on to them in our hearts. We spend a lot of energy by doing this and really only succeed in imprisoning ourselves behind walls of hurt and fear.

Now am I saying that we have to be best friends with everyone who has hurt us?

No.

But what I am saying is that the more pain that we hold onto from the past, the harder it is to open up and love in the future. We only have so much emotional space in our hearts.

It is hard to make room for love when our hearts are filled with hate.

So once we are able to forgive the person then we can decide whether or not the person belongs in our lives. Did the person admit to the wrong doing and ask for forgiveness? Have they made a conscious effort to do their part to heal the relationship?

These are the things that are necessary for reconciliation.

But reconciliation and forgiveness are two totally different things. Reconciliation is a road to recovery for the relationship. You need two people for that. One has to ask for forgiveness and admit what they did wrong. The other has to grant that forgiveness and be willing to receive the love that the other person has to offer.

But forgiveness is really a one way street. We don’t need anyone else’s actions to enable us to forgive. That is a choice that we have to make on our own.

And if God has forgiven us, then why can’t we forgive others? We have a responsibility to pay it forward. That’s the message of this parable.

Forgiveness has definitely set me free. I know it will do the same for you.

Today’s Reading: Exodus 19-20; Matthew 18:21-35