More Legal Hilarity

In this next installment of commentary by Clarence Mitchell Bible Attorney at Law I have some things that made me think and some things that made me laugh. I’m sure you will do the same.

No one born of a forbidden marriage nor any of his descendants may enter the assembly of the LORD, even down to the tenth generation. – Deuteronomy 23: 2

Makes sense. Gotta keep the Promised Land in the family.

Do not abhor an Edomite, for he is your brother. Do not abhor an Egyptian, because you lived as an alien in his country. The third generation of children born to them may enter the assembly of the LORD. Deuteronomy 23: 7-8

I like this a lot… especially the bit about Egypt. Yes, when the time came for Israel to leave Egypt they had been enslaved, but we must not forget the kindness that the earlier pharaoh showed to Joseph and his family. He gave them prime real estate to start a new life during the famine.

Respect given.

When you are encamped against your enemies, keep away from everything impure. If one of your men is unclean because of a nocturnal emission, he is to go outside the camp and stay there. But as evening approaches he is to wash himself, and at sunset he may return to the camp. – Deuteronomy 23: 9-11

The penalty for a wet dream is a full day outside of the camp. Not to mention the embarrassment of the entire nation knowing you had one.

Hahaha rough game.

Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself. As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement. – Deuteronomy 23: 12-13

I remember having to do this in cub scouts. Yes… I was a cub scout. Webelos Scouts stand up! Unfortunately I was not gangsta enough to be a boy scout. Nope. Not me.

If a slave has taken refuge with you, do not hand him over to his master. Let him live among you wherever he likes and in whatever town he chooses. Do not oppress him. – Deuteronomy 23: 15

I love this. Do unto others… yes you know the rest.

Do not charge your brother interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest. – Deuteronomy 23: 19

Interest can easily become slavery… and clearly God already delivered them from that. Great great great!

If you make a vow to the LORD your God, do not be slow to pay it, for the LORD your God will certainly demand it of you and you will be guilty of sin .But if you refrain from making a vow, you will not be guilty. Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth.

Word is Bond son!

Do not take advantage of a hired man who is poor and needy, whether he is a brother Israelite or an alien living in one of your towns. Pay him his wages each day before sunset, because he is poor and is counting on it. Otherwise he may cry to the LORD against you, and you will be guilty of sin.- Deuteronomy 24: 14-15

I love that God is a champion of the poor and needy.

When you are harvesting in your field and you overlook a sheaf, do not go back to get it. Leave it for the alien, the fatherless and the widow, so that the LORD your God may bless you in all the work of your hands. Deuteronomy 24: 19

Here’s another one for the poor. I really like this consistent message of charity and generosity. It is clear that God wants a portion of what we earn and create to be given to those who need it. It is also clear that God says that the more generous we are, the more we will have, because God can trust us to do His work by helping others.

Food for thought. Listen up Glenn Beck!

Do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain. Deuteronomy 25: 4

Here’s another one about generosity but this time for an animal doing labor. How well do we treat animals? What is our responsibility toward animals? It seems here that we are to respect and honor the blessings and sacrifice that they provide for us.

Now I leave you with some high comedy…

And the runner up goes to…

If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity. Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

How ridiculous is this? Of with her hand!!! Haha! hilarious…

Drumroll… and here’s the winner.

If brothers are living together and one of them dies without a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband's brother shall take her and marry her and fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to her. The first son she bears shall carry on the name of the dead brother so that his name will not be blotted out from Israel.

However, if a man does not want to marry his brother's wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, "My husband's brother refuses to carry on his brother's name in Israel. He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me." Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, "I do not want to marry her," his brother's widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, "This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother's family line." That man's line shall be known in Israel as The Family of the Unsandaled. Deuteronomy 25: 5-10

I was reading this at a fine dining establishment near my spot that has Wi-Fi. As I reached the end of this passage I laughed out loud so loudly and for so long that I interrupted everyone’s meal.

Spit in his face!!! Hahaha

Awesome.

Today’s Reading: Deuteronomy 23-25: Mark 14: 1-26

Retreat!

Now Joseph was well-built and handsome, and after a while his master's wife took notice of Joseph and said, "Come to bed with me!" But he refused… And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, "Come to bed with me!" But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house. Genesis 39:6-12




Today's Reading: Genesis 39-40; Matthew 11




The homies and I went to Hollywood Saturday night for a friend’s event but we showed up way too late with way too many dudes. After a more than gracious attempt by her and the host of the event we still couldn’t get everyone in so we left and started walking around.


Suddenly we found ourselves face to face with a Popeye’s chicken.


Mmmhhmmm…


At the beginning of the month my friends and I decided to engage in a 90 day fitness challenge. We set goals for ourselves and shared them with each other as a way to stay motivated to take our fitness to the next level. However, a couple of my friends were all about getting that chicken so we walked inside.


The door opened and we were flooded with a wave of sweet, delicious aroma; the likes of which could only have its origins in a delicate mixture of hot oil, questionably fresh chicken, and secret Louisiana spices. I was weak at first but somehow held strong; sitting in a booth fifteen yards away from the cash registers with my back to the object of my temptation.


After a few minutes I turned to look at the battlefield. I saw three casualties at the register with their wallets out and big smiles on their faces.


Then I saw Kieran. He was several steps back from the carnage, held up in the trenches but looking over the edge with a contemplative glaze over his eyes. He was within range of the enemy gunfire. I had to act.


I got up, risking defeat by the tasty wings and thighs, and reached out with all my will power and grabbed him by the shoulder.


“You don’t want any of that man” I said.


“You’re right.”


We both walked away from the battle, wounded, but still in tact. It was a tough ordeal.


Joseph’s situation was just a tad tougher to deal with… but it is interesting because it is so incredibly real and relevant to today’s world.


Joseph has now been sold into slavery and grown into a smart, responsible “well-built and handsome” young man. Most women like those traits in a man and so does Potiphar’s wife.


Some time ago my Stepdad told me that the worst thing that could happen to a woman at work is for her boss to develop a crush on her. She has two choices: date him or quit.


Neither of those choice are a good look.


Joseph’s situation is much worse. Given that this woman is married to his OWNER, Joseph doesn’t have many options here. He can either run, or run.


That’s about it.


He starts off by making sure that he is never “with her”. I take that to mean that he was dodging her around the house; making sure to never be alone with her.


Smart man.


Then she corners him and grabs his cloak! And he leaves it with her!


That’s hilarious. Think about the imagery here. She grabs his robe and he straight slips out of it. I imagine a cartoon puff of smoke in his wake like the old roadrunner and coyote cartoons. What did he have on underneath? A loin cloth? Was he going commando?


Yikes.


He did what he had to do; not only to get away, but to avoid violating the spiritual and moral code he set for his life.

The moral here… sometimes you gotta run.

When you have a bad habit or a bad situation that you are dealing with the best first option is to make sure that you don’t put yourself in the same space with it. But sometimes life isn’t that easy. Sometimes your coworker hands you cigarette, or your friend buys you a drink, or that bad situation all of the sudden seems to have you backed into a corner. When you sense that temptation is about to get the best of you it is better to walk or even run away than to break down and compromise the righteous path.

Yes, we all make mistakes and can be forgiven for them. But, life is much easier if we do all that we can to avoid them. This may sound silly now, but I hope that when your “Potiphar’s wife” comes and grabs your cloak; you have the wherewithal to kick up some dust and sprint your way out of trouble.

Easier said than done