Meditation Day 6: A Tough Day

Today's Reading: Matthew 6:25-34 Don't Worry


Day six was a doozy.

I have gotten over the physical withdrawals from my addition to fast food but mentally and spiritually I was feeling down. I had all kinds of things on my mind but I didn’t see resolution in sight for any of them.

With this feeling I decided to go to the gym. Before I left I switched up my playlist to hopefully inject some new life into my workout. Armed with this new arsenal of tunes I ran to the gym.

I started with my personal capoeira regimen but about ten minute into it I started feeling sick. Thank God that feeling passed and I was able to push through and carry on. As I was training I felt totally robotic. I didn’t feel connected at all to my body spiritually. I haven’t been training lately so the movements I was doing felt foreign. They weren’t coming to me second nature as they had in the past.

But mainly I could feel a spiritual block. This whole week was about fasting to get back in full contact with God, but it has been a difficult process. So at this time I decided to switch to the new play list that I made.

And then two songs came on my ipod shuffle: Tennessee by Arrested Development and Champion by Kanye West.

Arrested Development’s album 3 Years, 5 Months & 2 Days in the life of… Was the first CD I ever bought as a child and had a profound impact on my taste in music for years to come. Tennessee is one man’s prayerful journey with God in search of understand about what is going on around him. I was struck by how much I personally identified with the message. It hit me pretty hard.

Next was Champion. There was a particular part of this song that really hit me hard as well.

When it feels like living is harder than dying

For me, giving up is way harder than trying

Man.

There was something about the mixture of listening to the two songs that not only summed up my frustrations but also gave me fuel and hope to complete these projects that have been weighing heavily on my spirit. I nearly broke down from the feeling of joy that I had in my spirit.

Finally, after about 45 minutes of capoeira training where I felt like a robot my body finally relaxed and let loose. I felt inspiration fill me up and release the shackles of fear that were hidden inside me. I started feeling like a champion.

I ran home from the gym still with this champion feeling. I relaxed, stretched, showered and collected my thoughts. I decided that I would go to the grocery store as I needed some more “yeast free” friendly food to sustain me. After all I can’t live on eggs alone right?

So I jumped in the car, grocery list in hand, and made my way to the store. I bought all of my groceries, packed them into the trunk and got back in the car.  Then I turned the ignition…

Crank crank crank…. It won’t start.

YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

I sat there for about 30 minutes, intermittently trying to start the car to no avail. Finally I gave in and called AAA again. I was furious. All of the positive energy of the afternoon workout was gone. I was hungry and felt powerless to change my situation. The tow truck folks finally came though they had no starter fluid to get me going. Humbly I submitted to the fact that I would have to get the car towed home.

I got home unpacked the groceries, ate and then sat with my thoughts. I was in a pretty foul mood. Why in the heck was all of this happening? Why did my car start to go to the store only for it not to start when I came back? I started to think about worst case scenarios. How much it will cost to get fixed, do I have the money, what will I do in the meantime without my whip at my disposal?

Good thing I’m the king of the metro in Cali, otherwise I’d be screwed!

With this woe is me attitude I started reading this book about Martin Luther King’s life that I have been reading for several weeks now. At this point in the book they are strategizing on how best to do their voter registration drive. I read about at least 10 churches burned down by disgruntled whites, furious that a handful of black folks had the audacity to try to claim their constitutional right to vote.

And then I thought to myself… my troubles ain’t nothing compared to this.

With these thoughts I went to sleep. I asked God to help me keep a proper perspective and to give me peace. I asked him for help with my car and with all that I am supposed to do. I asked for discernment and wisdom to walk the path that He has laid out for me.

Somewhere in the middle of praying I feel asleep.

Today’s Meals:

Breakfast: Slept through breakfast

Lunch: Egg Scramble with tomatoes, onions, and spinach.

Dinner: Rotisserie Chicken, sautéed spinach with fresh garlic, and butternut squash.

Beverage: Water