Saturday, October 23, 2010

Let's Talk About Sex

embrace by Egon Schiele

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh. "But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. – 1 Corinthians 6:12-17

Ok I’m gonna come right out and say it…

I don’t think sex outside marriage is a "sin".

I know that 99% of my Christian brothers and sisters will disagree with me here and to be honest I’m ok with that. Maybe I will receive a new understanding in the future and change sides on this one. I have two issues with it. 

First, what is “sexual immorality” anyway? I haven’t seen it explicitly defined as sex outside of marriage. In the last chapter it was used when discussing a man sleeping with his father’s wife. Now THAT is pretty darn immoral. I get that. But someone please help me with a scripture explicitly saying that sexual immorality (fornication) is sex outside of marriage. I will also accept an argument that seems to break that down by saying what can and cannot be done. Provide scriptures please.

Secondly, every time I have heard a sermon on the topic they reference these verses…

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6: 18-20

Okaaaaaaaaaaaay… I can dig that. 

But they never include these verses…

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. – 1 Corinthians 6:12

It’s from the same section of the same chapter! Context matters.

I have spent years thinking about this for obvious reasons. It’s not like I’m a virgin or anything. And call me a sinner if you want but good gracious, sex being a sin has never made sense to me.

But then I read the next few verses and I see the point that Paul is making here:

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." – 1 Corinthians 6:16

The point here is that there is something more going on with sex than the physical. When we have sex with someone we are connecting on a deeper level than we realize. That person becomes a part of us and we become a part of them. You know each other in a way that cannot be articulated.

I don’t know if you have experienced this but let me test it out for you. Do you remember the last time you saw someone that you had sex with in the past but have not seen in a while? There is a familiarity there that is more intimate than what you feel when you see a long lost friend. In a deeper sense you know each other.

There is a soul tie.

You’ve shared a bond, whether it was for several years or just one night. The duration of the relationship may affect the intensity but it doesn’t change the fact that a connection is there. During sex we are at our most vulnerable. We open ourselves up to the other person in a way that doesn’t happen in any other kind of human interaction.

This is why Paul’s general point makes sense to me. Whether or not it is permissible is not really the point. The question is whether or not it is beneficial. If we have a lasting connection with everyone that we have ever had sex with, then how does this affect our future relationships? Are we bringing this baggage into our marriages?

Paul would say yes. And I’d have to agree… reluctantly.

I think this is something compelling to think about. Of course I believe in Grace and that these connections can be overcome but geez… we can’t front on these things being complicated. So I guess the fewer the connections the better.

And this gets us back to the original point… sex outside of marriage.

I do believe that not having sex outside of marriage is ideal in a profound way. But I also think it is permissible. However, like with everything we do, there are costs and benefits.

The question is, is it worth it?

That is not for me to tell you. But I think the argument for no sex before marriage very compelling. I’m not gonna sit here and promise you that I won’t do it. I’m no fool. But I do think it is an interesting discussion to have.

What do you think? Agreements, disagreements and comments are welcome as always. 


This is what Jesus had to say about divorce... this is the best I've found on sex outside of marriage being no bueno.. but it refers to the bond of marriage... What about the time between leaving your folks and getting married? If you believe that divorce is not a sin, outside of it being caused by adultery, then how is premarital sex sin? Perhaps the change in our society of folks getting married later and living outside the home before marriage changes the game? Then again maybe not. Interesting stuff tho. 

Mark 10: 1-12


  1. Man of God,
    This is one of those subjects that will take much more than a few comments to break down, so I won't. However, those who have the Holy Spirit, have the Spirit of Truth. No one has to tell you what to do or not to do.

    You already know within yourself what is righteousness and what is unrighteousness.

    I will say check out 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6. "We are not like the world, so don't act like the world who does not know God".

    Much Love

  2. hahahaha I'll have to add you to the "damn you" list along with my buddy Kofi... Peep the next post of my convo with him. I think you'll enjoy it.

  3. Two things:
    1. It would be also be nice to define what "marriage" actually is. I've heard several arguments against pre-marital sex that posit the sexual act as binding, similar to a marriage. All sorts of sticky, muddled rationale come out that route, which is probably why I have yet to be convinced that the answer is as clear cut as people tend to make it.

    2. Historical and philosophical context is always important when reading the scriptures. Thus, I think the answer is more complex than what has been taken place in this and your most recent post with Kofi.

  4. @Marisa That's interesting. yeah i don't believe that sex is how the marriage contract is defined... that's absurd to me... but i can see how folks who take the hard line would support that.

    2. Add the context!!! We are talking about it strictly from a biblical perspective but clearly it doesn't stop there. By way of context I look at how the world is now vs then and the notion of no sex before marriage seems to be a totally different thing now vs then.

    What were you thinking?

  5. If we were marrying at 13 as done so long ago, this would be of no issue. Unfortunately in 2011, marriage is happening later and later, yet loving feelings are still happening at, well, "19".

    I know I am totally going against the grain here, I don't think sex creates soul mates. If it did imagine how many soul mates prostitutes would have!

    Sex is not the primary facet to honor in a relationship. The committed connection is. This connection should exist without sex. Once sex is added to the committed connection the physical intimacy along with the existing connection is what creates a soul mate to me. If the committed connection ends or has been broken, that committed connection should be returned from where it came, ourselves and God. If the committed connection no longer exists leaving only sex. Sex without the commitment can not create a soul mate in my book.

    Sex can create intimacy hence so the person you choose to share that experience with should be give thoughtful consideration.

    I don't though believe the past carries its way into the present unless you choose to carry it in yourself. What a great detriment we would cause to our current love if we reserved a small piece of ourselves for another from the past.

    You have to keep your "house" clean by knowing the difference between the past and all that should be left there, and your present by giving it all that you are, have, and everything it deserves.

    People may question, sometimes those you've trusted most, your values and morals as they may not seem to match what THEY THINK they know or believe of you. God though always knows THE TRUTHS that lie within us. Always.


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