Monday, February 15, 2010

Miss Lewinsky

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." - Bill Clinton

Hahahaha sure buddy.

The Bible is hilarious sometimes. Why does Leviticus devote a whole chapter to sexual relations?!?

Cause folks have been wildin’ out since the beginning of time…

This is also the chapter where we find the infamous scripture about homosexuality. It seems like everyone knows that the Bible frowns upon it. Well, in case you wanted to know what it actually says… here goes:

Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.” – Leviticus 18: 22


Quite honestly I am not too proud of how some Christians have handled this. As we have already seen, Jesus said that the two most important things are to love God and to love our neighbors as ourselves. He also goes on to say that all of the other commandments are summed up by these two.

So whether or not one believes that it is a sin really isn’t the most important thing to me. Christian folk have to remember the task they have been charged with.


Also, when we start pointing fingers at folks, we have even more pointing back at us. Just ask Ted Haggard.

Now to move on to the fun stuff… I’m going to run through the rest of them quickly and provide my commentary. These can all be found in Leviticus chapter 18 for your reading pleasure.

No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD. –v.6

Ewwww… if that wasn’t enough… it gets deeper…

Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her. – v.7

Damn… A law was necessary for this?

Do not have sexual relations with your father's wife; that would dishonor your father. –v.8

“The older the berry the sweeter the juice…” – Smokey from Friday

'Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your father's daughter or your mother's daughter, whether she was born in the same home or elsewhere. – v.9

It’s funny how He covered all of the sisters. Yes, your half and step-sisters count too.

Do not have sexual relations with your son's daughter or your daughter's daughter; that would dishonor you. –v.10

Pops… That is NOT how you teach your son a lesson.

Do not have sexual relations with the daughter of your father's wife, born to your father; she is your sister. –v.11

Just in case verse 9 wasn’t thorough enough…

Do not have sexual relations with your father's sister; she is your father's close relative. – v.12

She’s your auntie…

Do not have sexual relations with your mother's sister, because she is your mother's close relative. – v.13

She’s your auntie too…

Do not dishonor your father's brother by approaching his wife to have sexual relations; she is your aunt. – v.14

This is getting silly…skipping ahead…

Do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter. Do not have sexual relations with either her son's daughter or her daughter's daughter; they are her close relatives. That is wickedness. –v.17

Whew… I bet you know someone who thinks this would be “player”. Shameful.

Do not take your wife's sister as a rival wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living. –v.18

See comment above.

(Additional note: while your wife is living??? Say what?!? Horrible caveat… boy how times have changed…)

Do not approach a woman to have sexual relations during the uncleanness of her monthly period. –v.19

*hearing crickets from some readers…*

Do not have sexual relations with your neighbor's wife and defile yourself with her. –v.20

Interesting that this is included in addition to the adultery rule…

Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion. –v.23

…. No comment.

You may wonder why all of these things are included here… I wondered the same thing until I thought about it very simply one day. It is because this is what folks were doing! They were doing animals, moms, dads, aunties, uncles, brothers, sisters etc.


Imagine being part of a group of people who were doing the above on the regular?

Things clearly weren’t all hunky dory in Israel.

Today’s Reading: Leviticus 17-18; Matthew 27: 27-50


  1. Seriousness of the initial part of the post aside - which I concur with, btw - this was too funny. I literally laughed out loud. Keep em coming. Great stuff.

  2. Than you Jan!

    Yeah I had to go on the record on the first part. No way I can let that verse pass by in the reading and not speak on it. Honestly... as I've said in previous posts I leave judgment to God. It's hard enough to try to love folks.

  3. Dude, that was hillarious! I think I´ve "indoctrinated" a new reader. We read this one together.

    A couple things. First, I think the "neighbor´s wife" represents ANYONE´S wife. No?

    Second, why are sex with an animal and your neighbor´s wife called defiling yourself as opposed to the other ones.

    Lastly, I disagree with your assumption about what the Israelites were doing in the desert. Think about it. If you were going to make sexual laws today, many people would include these laws, although they are basic knowledge. Sometimes even the most basic things are mentioned in the bible. My friend Jen here says, it´s like a manual. So if you open your DVD player manual, I bet it tells you to plug it in first. Right? Same thing...

    Danny Paz
    PS- I disagree with all sexual laws that do not directly hurt or injure anyone else. Consenting adults of any relation are not of my concern...

    PPS- Maybe they are not of God´s either, but at that time, there were no condoms, and if relatives had kids...that´s a problem.

    PPSS- Yuck or no yuck, I can´t let my personal tastes determine what other people do, unless they are hurting others...


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